Guest Blog: Why "The Kids Have to Come First" Is Hurting Your Family
Hi, I'm Helen Calvert, a life coach who helps neurodivergent people to banish the BS and live their happiest lives.
Today I want to talk about something I hear constantly - and honestly? It drives me up the wall.
"The kids have to come first."
Here's why that phrase makes me cringe every single time.
The Problem with Always Putting Kids First
Every household with more than one person has a variety of needs that surface daily. Basic needs like food and hydration. Emotional needs like hugs and validation. Practical needs like laundry and hygiene. And unique needs that depend on the person, the day, and the circumstances.
When you have children, there's this overwhelming societal expectation that their needs come first - always. And we all know what happens next: the main caregiver's needs fall to the absolute bottom of the list.
Consistently prioritising one person or group at the expense of others leads to burnout, resentment, illness, and unhappiness in the neglected person. And for what benefit, exactly?
Do we want our children to learn that they're always the most important person in any household? Or would we prefer to teach them how to recognise and meet not only their own needs but the needs of those around them?
The False Choice Between Martyr and Selfish
There's a terrible narrative in our society that you only have two options: be a martyr or be selfish. That's why we need phrases like "self-care isn't selfish" and "put on your own oxygen mask first" - because we've reached a point where parents, especially women, are expected to feel guilty about having needs at all, let alone meeting them.
We can only solve this by teaching our children something different, so the next generation has a much more balanced approach. And here's the thing: kids don't learn from what we say - they learn from what they see us doing. They're watching us, figuring out what it means to be an adult.
I don't want my kids to learn that being an adult means sacrificing yourself for your children, just so they can do the same for their kids, on into eternity.
I want my kids to learn that every human has needs, and to love one another means learning about each other's needs and figuring out how to meet everyone's needs together.
What This Looks Like in Practice
So how do we actually do this? Here are three approaches that work in my household.
1. Talk About Everyone's Needs Openly
Rather than hiding our needs for the sake of others, we talk about them. I live in a neurodivergent household, so our needs often involve getting some alone time. My boys frequently hear me say:
"My social battery is out boys, I'm going to go watch TV in my room for a bit to recharge."
Now my eldest knows he can ask my youngest and me to head upstairs half an hour before bedtime so he can get time to decompress in peace before coming up himself.
Or: "Right, my brain is overwhelmed, so everyone just be quiet for a bit while I manage the five things I'm currently doing…"
This means I don't get upset when my youngest says "Mum! Stop telling me to clean my teeth, I'm DOING it" while he's actually hanging upside down off his bed watching a YouTube video. ADHD means that him "doing" something can take anywhere between five minutes and an hour, but because my needs are being met, I'm much more able to remain calm.
This is key: when none of our needs are met or prioritised, not only do we feel terrible but we build up resentment. Eventually we explode with "I'm the only one who does anything around here!" or "You don't know how lucky you are!" - and they wonder where on earth that came from. If we're not modelling prioritising our needs, why would anyone else prioritise them for us?
2. Prioritise Needs Based on Severity, Not Age
If I have a migraine and the kids are fine, we're going to prioritise what I need to feel better. If that means they make themselves toast for dinner while I lie down in a darkened room, that makes sense. It's not about being selfish or selfless or how much anyone loves anyone else. It's just common sense.
The whole family deserves to be happy and healthy, so whoever is furthest away from that at any given time gets their needs prioritised.
3. Make Talking About Needs Standard Practice
Have you ever sat down with the people in your household and written down a list of everyone's needs? I don't mean food, water, shelter - we're privileged enough that those are covered, and we're grateful for that. I mean the things that make our days just that little bit better. Just that little bit sweeter. Just that little bit more manageable.
For instance, I need a coffee and a hot shower every morning. That's non-negotiable. My eldest needs a cuppa and time to get himself ready without other demands being thrown at him. My youngest gets up earlier than necessary because he needs screen time before he faces his day. So we set up our mornings accordingly.
Do the kids always get to choose the music on a road trip? Hell no! We generally share it out, but if one of us is having a particularly hard time, that person gets their choice of music, because our music makes us happy.
When we list out everybody's needs and preferences, we can immediately see which ones fit together. You need time on the sofa with a magazine to de-stress and your partner needs to go out for a run to achieve the same thing? Those fit together nicely.
We can also see the ones that don't fit together. You need to verbally process at the end of the day, but your partner needs quiet time with no conversation. When we see those needs lined up, we can spot where stress is coming in. But here's the thing: once we recognise that mismatch, we can come up with creative solutions.
One creative solution we came up with in this house is that my youngest plays with my hair while he's monologuing at me. He wants to go on and on about his D&D campaign or latest computer game, and listening to loads of info about something that doesn't interest me is tough going. But I love having someone play with my hair. So he does that, which relaxes me and makes me much more able to say "mmhm, wow, really?" in all the appropriate places as he tells me about the latest superhero he's created.
The Bottom Line
Thinking that we always have to put the kids first creates resentment, burnout, unhappiness, and ill health - and it creates another generation of adults who will do the same.
Talking openly about needs, working together to get them all met, and recognising when needs align or clash creates understanding, compassion, a sense of belonging, and a generation of adults who will keep that going for their own families.
I know which one I'd prefer.
Written by Helen Calvert for Not So Typical Fitness
The No Bullsh*t Coach
November 2025
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